the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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