Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
