When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
