Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
