Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize