I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
