my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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