Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
