I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
