Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
