Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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