That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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