If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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