How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
