if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
