I feel like abortions should bother me more
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
