my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
