Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
