i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
cat food counts as protein by the way
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize