Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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