I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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