i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
