here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
