maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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