So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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