Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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