Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
