Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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