when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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