i just wanna soil my oats bro
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
