He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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