Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
