he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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