I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
