Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
