i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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