Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
