I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
