So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
