next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
