we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Your penis caused this!
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize