i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
