Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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