I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
You ruined the universe
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