im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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