she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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