The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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