omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
