clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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