I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
