i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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