Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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