I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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