i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize