So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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