Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
