If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize