If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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