whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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