Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
