I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
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