I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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