remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
