I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
