I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
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