I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
