My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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