i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
